Why do we need to have lunch?

By Zeke Quezada

Why do we get so nuts about diets and eating properly. I have been struggling tiwith the simple task of having lunch and the costs associated with the middle meal of the day. So I get hungry and I walk over to the Trader Joe’s in my neighborhood and quickly scan the aisles.

“I better grab some coffee”, I remind myself as I feel the pulse of my blood flow in my right temple. I have an addiction, contrary to popular belief; it’s not alcohol, its coffee. Caffeine is a legal drug that is packaged so well, I find it hard not to overpay for a simple cup of hot water that is run though crushed beans.

It’s free, that’s why in the middle of the day I walk over in the searing heat just to enjoy a small cup in the comforts of the air conditioned produce aisle. I notice that the mid day crowd in this earthy place consists of overly polite but well intentioned stay at home moms. These are a bit different in that it seems as if they all spend the morning at yoga and have been eating healthy for longer than my usual day and a half.

If my wife was to see the mid-day clientele she might make me drive to a bad neighborhood for a snack.

As I top off my cup of black gold I notice a few of the women noticing me. It’s like I’m a zoo animal, sure I failed to properly comb my hair and the requisite wrinkled shirt is looking no better today than it did yesterday, but hygiene habits aside, it’s clear that I am the only male in the place.

Once again, if my wife was to see the mid day clientele she might make me drive to a bad neighborhood for a snack.

I give a polite and unthreatening smile; they both realize they have been staring. It’s comical, not because they were watching me but when left with very little else but the beige world of soccer moms somehow a guy in flip flops, drinking coffee while struggling to define the location of an itch seems worth looking at.

Don’t get me wrong, I clean up well. I just don’t see the need to clean up all that often. Believe me, if you could sit in crusty shorts and a shirt you have worn for two days you would. If corporate America realized the simple formula for productivity resided in the comfort of their employees, they would get rid of ergonomics and take casual Fridays to another level. But that discussion is for another day.

So I walk past the generous selection of wines and I am tempted to peruse the aisle. Imagine, picking out a value bottle of red while drinking coffee. It could only get better if I was being pushed along on a cart while enjoying some type of sordid sex act that is usually reserved for pay per view at a seedy motel. Well, maybe no sex but at least a Pastrami sandwich. Yeah, that would be bliss.

So I opt to bypass the wine and I stumble across the frozen food section to discuss lunch with myself.

“Lets see, calamari rings? Too labor intensive. Fish sticks? Honestly, can you get any fatter? Teriyaki bowl? Possibility” I mumble to myself as I slowly inspect the goods in the aisle reserved for the women who decided that no bra would be a good choice for the grocery store. Frankly, it’s like they are teasing me with their nipples.

I repeat, if my wife was to see the mid day clientele she might make me drive to a bad neighborhood for a snack.

The results of my endeavor? I had coffee, I bought peanuts, sunflower seeds, Taquitos and guacamole. I’m watching movie trailers and my headache is slowly fading.

My conclusions? Morgan Freeman narrating anything, I’ll watch, twice. The grams of fat always seem to be exaggerated; the grams of saturated fat are generously inflated. Six taquitos in a microwave will eventually taste like damp paper and too much guacamole will drive you to the toilet.

One more thing, the itch I was trying to locate, seems to be bothering me more but I think I can make it to the store for some of that cream that helps with rashes.

Perhaps I should try fasting?